Finding Friends and Fitting In

I had a woman Mary (not her real name) come into the store. She was searching for something “more” in her life. She had moved here from New York hoping to find herself. She had a job, but didn’t like it.  She had no friends.

Mary came in almost every week to see me over the course of 6 months. It became clear to me that she was looking for what I call the, “Quick Fit.” She wanted me to find her friends, a new job and a new place to live.

I tried to show her the banquet that is Long Beach and its surrounds so she could partake in its beautiful bounty. But she complained. She complained about the sand, the people and the community.

After asking Mary about her friends back home and hearing, (I don’t have any.) It became clear that Mary was not understanding what the problem actually was.

I choose not to be an enabler anymore. It took me a while to figure out how to do that and realize that I was the problem.

When I asked Mary if she was ready to hear how to make friends, she said, “Of course I am. I’m lonely. I never go anywhere or do anything. I…”

I stopped her and said, “You need to listen.”

She replied, “I always listen. No one wants to talk to me. They always want…”

I said, “Stop. You may listen, but you don’t hear. In all my discussions with you, it is only about you. You don’t want to talk with people, you want to talk at people. You need to have a give and take energy exchange or you are just taking and it exhausts people you are with. This will make them avoid you because the energy exchange leaves them feeling tired, sad and depressed.”

“I always listen. Everyone else is negative and they never do what they say,” she said starting to get upset.

“So you are telling me that everyone else is negative and not nice?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“I can’t help you Mary,” I told her.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because I don’t see the world the way you do at all. I can’t relate. You need someone that can relate to you and it’s not me,” I said.

“But I’m lonely,” she stated.

“Yes and for some reason you like being lonely. You thought moving to the West Coast would fix all of your problems, but you just brought them with you. You have admitted that you had no friends in New York and were extremely unhappy, then you moved here and also chose not to have friends and be isolated and sad. It is not you against the world. It is you against you,” I said.

“If I worked for you that might help,” she said.

I cringed a little bit. “No it wouldn’t help you and it would be detrimental to my customers. You come from a place of fear and lack. Right now you don’t want to move out of that place and I haven’t been able to help you see that. I recommend you seeing a therapist.”

“There is nothing wrong with me.” she said angrily.

“I never said there was anything wrong with you, but you need to find out why you are so afraid to trust, so you can move forward with your life.” I said.

“You don’t like me. You are just like everybody else. Trying to blame it on me. Everyone always blames it on me,” she cried.

Now we are getting somewhere I thought. “Who blames you for what Mary?”

“Nothing. I’m not coming back here ever again, ” she said.

I said, “I’m sorry to hear that Mary. Many Blessings and my love. May you find what you are searching for within.”

I never heard from Mary again, but I am hopeful that she received the help she needed to find happiness.

I believe we can not fix anyone only ourselves, but we can help people find their truth within.